Reflections
If you have viewed the 'Intro' [formerly 'About'] section before, you may have noticed that the reasons behind my motivation to deal with these topics, stems from a personal journey, one that has shaped and is still shaping my perspective and desire to explore a sincere form of human expression.
In this particular area, there are connections between chaos, structure, idioglossic vocal expression and its relevance to what I cautiously refer to as "higher dimension" (I won't elaborate on the latter; instead, I prefer to leave the reader with a neutral essence to form their own opinion).
As I embark on sharing my experiences and reflections, I do not claim that my understanding of these topics offers guarantees of absolute correctness as it still remains a work in progress.
So it is crucial to establish a shared understanding of a few key words.
We begin with the two simple words: structure and chaos.
I believe most of us agree that structure, such as tidiness and patterns are wonderful and stand for aesthetic beauty and gives a sense of safety.
On the other side when I looked up for words that describe chaos I was surprised that most of them are associated with aspects we see as negative, such as disturbance, disruptions and unpredictability therefore insecurity - prefixed positive words to describe the opposite of 'good'. But who or what decides about good or bad? Applying this thought to nature and mind it's freedom that results from chaos and it's selection that is based on a given or made structure (I sometimes call it a 'blueprint') in order to exist dynamically. Without dynamic there won't be any movement. I can't think of a system that can't be traced back to some form of a cycle process
So what role does the concept of structure and chaos play in the development of vocal expression?
Languages are subjected to rules, otherwise we would not be able to communicate on a complex level. Imitating sounds and expressions remain the simplest way to communicate.
However, languages that are perceived chaotic or cryptic usually occur, when we hear them for the first time and need time to recognise the patterns that developed under a collective mind of those who inherited and passed them on.
As someone who grew up multi-lingual and -cultural I often came across the question of how established structures of languages influence our expressions. I believe that these structures can create a gap between genuine emotions and the way we communicate them.
And I found a reason that confirms this assumption: the human ability to produce random vowels.
For that we have to switch off our "judging" mind that is mostly present when we are awake or influenced by emotional topics at the moment.
Switching-off can lead to a space that is open to words and senses which may be perceived to come from an unattributable or subconscious source. This phenomenon often refers to gibberish.
There are many different views and terms that fall under the categories of gibberish or pseudo language. In general, it pertains to words and syllables that seem to resemble a language.
Many people describe this as an experience where words are seemingly delivered from somewhere else. For instance, those who refer to glossolalia often relate it to a religious context, where words are believed to be delivered by God or the Holy Spirit. In contrast, idioglossia describes a pseudo language that is understood by individuals who have developed it together, such as baby twins, through the act of imitation and improvisation.
Since I am neither religious nor spiritual, the terms that could suit my case are scat singing, a phrase from the Jazz field, or a similar vocal technique from Irish music called lilting. I chose the word idioglossia because it is not specific to any particular musical genre.
Similar to the case of idioglossia, I did not start throat singing as a deliberate cultural practice. It happened accidentally when I attempted to mimic another vocal technique that shares similarities with yodelling; Unexpectedly, my fundamental voice "dropped" exactly one octave, and later extended to one and a half octaves lower. The initial technique aligns with the kargyraa style, while the latter and both together are associated with the subharmonic series. Since then I am and have been developing and refining techniques to gain control over the capabilities of the human voice.
When I sing, it feels like I am having conversations with the sounds, and the sounds respond to me, especially when I arrange music where vocals and instruments interact with each other like individuals. However, the words I am using are not bound to a system like they would in an actual language. They stem from improvisation, communicating and somewhat from mimicking sounds, especially in the case of throat singing.
Improvisation as the act of offering immediate and spontaneous responses to perceived signals — Personally, I see it as a layer within the creative process that balances the circulations of structure and chaos and contributes to the final form of a creation. What I find remarkable about improvisation is that it disrupts repetitive patterns and opens other ways. However, the downside of it can be the fact that the seemingly infinite number of possible ways that emerge from that process, tend to expand until it becomes a loose mess of chaos.
That's why it's crucial to work towards an open minded understanding to connect with the act, which usually happens if there is a willingness of failing, learning and sharing. For instance, I could never connect with my drawings, even if they are improvised. Not knowing about the outcome of a work is truly wonderful. But if my progress didn't bare any will of expression it's like staring at an empty envelope. It also happens that it will eventually become a base of a meaning that is in growth, made off memories and analytic thoughts and associations afterwards. But I could never unravel any path of sincerity through my drawings and modelling.
As I often misconstrue word series and their sense, it is the universal language of melodies that puts me into a dynamic mode that connects with the unspoken while bypassing the thought process of word-finding. The unspoken refers to the insight of the soul, extrudes the area of undeniable truth to the surface and unites with something "omnipresent".
It's possible to think that in this state I feel emotional or let out feelings but in fact there is nothing than tranquility.
Now some, if not most, people may ask about the beneficial elements of all of this. The truth is everyone who is interested in this, or even have just reached here by reading, already have their own views and answers. I believe that idioglossic vocal expression and the art of improvisation are strongly related to internal and external self-organising processes (automatism) like dreams and hallucinations (internal) and chemical reactions and cymatics (external) - just to name a few.
Overall this is a huge field to discover. I mentioned the remaining of a progressing work, my reflections and experiences were slowly shaped over the past years and still are shaping.
— August 2023
___________________________________________________
II. Non-Harmonising Structure: In the Realm of an Oversaturated Age
The last three eras were the era of agricultural, industrial and information in which we are now.
I think most of us, be it physically, economically or mentally, feel that we are shifting towards another era. Roughly summarised, the agriculture times lives from nature. For economical efficiency and faster production human invented machines which lead to the industrial age. The rise of machines (and wars) freed paths for futuristic inventions to communicate from long distances. With each age influenced by the previous one, they act like multiplying layers. I have been asking myself what could be possibly the next one.
As we are facing the climate change and limited resources on one hand and the development of Artificial Intelligence on the other, more people are aware that we live in abundance which is not only harming the environment but also ourselves. The simple transmission of information won't be enough anymore as we all already have more than enough access to these. We are saturated with information. We are drowned in them, confused by them, drowned in social media, news, drowned in knowledge. We think we know everything and on top of that Ai delivers information faster than we can blink. You see, the ages before emerged and developed because of demand: demand on more food, demand on power, demand on speed, demand on luxury.
This is not a chaotic soup, it's an oversaturated structured layer.
We live in odd times, we are drifting apart. Fortunately our planet is round and we will collide the other way around sooner or later.
___________________________________________________
III. The Ambivalent Structure: In the Realm of Between-and-Nowhere
The light show. When I was a child in kindergarten, they organised a sleepover party. They asked us to bring a pocket lights. I didn't know about the differences between any kind of lights, so I chose a lovely one – a light stick with a sun on its top, it was orange and transparent. When I was alone in a dark room, it glowed beautifully. I could gaze directly into it without hurting my eyes, appreciating its unique glow amid the grander spectacle.
However, I vividly recall the disappointment I felt when we gathered in a large room. I looked around and saw other kids' stream lights casting light beams that reached the ceiling, while mine didn't. My light was just a pretty figure that emitted a soft glow, but it couldn't create those mesmerising light beams everyone else was excitedly playing with on the ceiling. Sometimes we're so captivated by the grand displays that we overlook the beauty in the small, unique details. I wished they had cherished my light the way I did.
Hello worlds. I was taught that education is one of the highest goods. Therefore, I spent two-thirds of my life in this diverse country to acquire numerous credentials that validate my commitments. I always lived in the column "1 plus 1 equals 0." Culture? What is that? Contemplating this question occasionally plunged me into an identity crisis.
To keep pace, to participate, and to function as an organic part in this area of the world, I couldn't succumb to melancholy. Some may say I'm well-suited in this country, while others from the other country might say how lucky it is to transition. Thus, one thing unites both countries: no matter where I am, the perpetual sense of being a foreigner persists.
In my case, the escape from the country of 'origin' for the sake of safety and freedom feels like it had to happen at the cost of a dramatic social and cultural 'downgrade'.
What I couldn't acquire culturally, I compensated for with recognition. Education is considered an international currency. I received help. I was generously rewarded. The recognition of my abilities was documented on certificates, as it is commonly appreciated. For some, I was an ideal, a great example, for others, a pioneer like my grandfathers once were.
Naive as I was, I thought the world out there was waiting for me. I believed I had finally found loose threads that I could weave into a beautiful carpet. In the end, I came to the conclusion that I myself was nothing more than a loose thread.
Drowned in light. Back to the pocket-light party - The literal translation of pocket-light from the language they spoke to me means 'pocket-bulb'. I only knew one word for light and bulb and that there were only two kinds based on their functions: one that needs electricity from cables and another which needs batteries to fit in a pocket, a portable bulb. For me, there was no difference between light and bulb. So child-logically I chose a light stick because I thought it was beautiful and technically it was an aesthetically shaped plastic bulb. When I was surrounded by light beams that brightened the room, nor could I enjoy the soft glow of my light stick neither was its light noticeable anymore. I always preferred the silence to focus on these and relax. Silence is like a blank paper, it's an open space to let ideas and thoughts just flow safely, a sanctuary. My blank paper of silence was ripped into pieces when I was told that what I carried wasn't even a real pocket-light because the light didn't reach the ceiling. Whatever I cherished was dismissed by the utter feeling of worthlessness. To be part of the group I had to imitate my peers and accept that I was wrong.
Estrangement and reconciliation. It doesn't matter whether you are part of a huge collective or a small community; I understand that the instinct to form an identity is crucial for functioning safely. It means to understand your personality and position in your reality, and filtering out everything that doesn't align with your essence (decoration). There isn't much to filter or choose from if awareness and resources are not known. However, this filter tends to become particularly prominent in those who feel or are threatened in their existence. I never had this strong desire to identity myself, admittedly it always feels strange to hear me saying my name when introducing myself. Paradoxically, having my educational abilities recognised gave me a sense of reaching a stable home, a community, the correct path. This place gave me everything to decorate the exterior of my house to fit into the image of the map.
My circumstances afforded me everything essential, leaving no room for lack but the constant fear of not living up to expectations left me with the most present memory of the past. By investing my time in this system I estranged from something that is known as cultural heritage. I can barely read or write and my vocabulary lacks. But in fact, this never really affected me until I realised the confusion or distance of most people if they can't fit you in their world maps. What did affect me, is the Let-Us-Celebrate-Our-Differences culture (there must exist a bunch of labels for this).
We all have that glow inside of our houses that is being silenced and redirected once we attend institutions and meet laws which are mostly designed by those who either never had to deal with being perceived as different in their matrix or a few individuals who are supposed to represent 'their people'. It happens everywhere, no matter how much freedom, inclusion, rewards, recognition and wealth are promised.
First, rather than fearing not fitting in, we should first ask ourselves who we believe the rule makers are and what reasons lead us to assume that authorities and majorities are always correct.
Second, continuing from the first point, being excessively extreme in this regard can result in defensive behaviour and, ultimately, lead to resentment and isolation. In my experience there are two ways prevent this: communicate as much as possible to understand perspectives and listen – listen closely, observe, understand, watch, appreciate the light beams and understand where they come from.
Third, if a 'pocket light owner' really seeks to fully appreciate and understand the aesthetics of a glowing light stick, the intensity of the light beam simply needs to be temporarily reduced until it becomes a glow. Pardon me for that metaphorical rejoinder in that context.
The dynamic of estrangement and reconciliation is something that circulates massively in my life.
To recognise and to understand this pattern needs a lot of patience, practice, and acceptance. This involves acknowledging that changes are only possible if we – by "we", I mean ourselves and our inner selves, not the external decorations we wrapped us in – are ready to move forward.
Epilogue to Between and Nowhere - now here. In the beginning of this year I visited a country that is located between the countries that have huge impacts on me.
Day two
I am here in a hotel room of a country located between my two homes: One from where my roots has faded and the other that let me grow on its ground. Both countries have complicated entry conditions for one of each other while the one in between offers a place where you can meet your beloved ones. After all those years living in two completely different worlds, lifestyles drifted apart drastically. One side living as if there’s is no tomorrow and me who is not used to be surrounded by so many people, unplanned encounters and sharing spaces. It always needs a few days to get used to it. They are outside and I stayed in this temporary home because this restless lifestyle is too much for me. When I am stressed humans become like bunches of shadows in my disorientation.
Day three
I am glad they do understand me when I tell them I need some distance. (Plus knowing myself I will get sick when I am tired.) Even though the suite is empty now, let me tell you, I don’t feel alone at all. The moment between being present and not present is a contrast where I feel very much closer to certain people. I am waiting for them to come back, they are nearby and knowing this makes me happy and grateful (and grateful no one forced me to go twelve hours shopping, haha). So this is what I usually do in my quiet time, until someone feels like joining in and philosophising with me.
Day four
Today I decided to go with them to a bazaar. This place full of culture and history feels strange to me. I recorded a video of the sky, I didn't want to film people. The bazaar is full of life and death because we all become like consuming zombies. And the seagulls above observed us patiently, waiting eagerly for us to drop some food I guess.
Day five
These few days in Place Between have passed by very quickly like a dream.
They went back to The Other Side. I wished I could go with them. Fifteen years has passed since I have been on The Other Side. Tomorrow I also have to return This Side. But for now, I am alone in the suite we shared in Place Between. And it feels strange, this time they won’t come back and I don’t know how much time will pass until we will meet again.
2. The singer Lisa Gerrard, as expressed in numerous interviews, has discussed her belief that there exists an inherent language within everyone prior to the utilisation of distinctive and conceptualised words. From my understanding, this language originates from the soul and revolves strongly around the expression of feelings. The established rules and structures in words and sentences can impede the free shaping of expressions and feelings. In fact, there are many studies which have explored the impact of spoken languages on our thoughts, while primal expressions, such as laughing, can be universally understood. The reason Gerrard's philosophy resonates with me is that I've always struggled with articulating thoughts and feelings through words, and she presents a unique and pure approach to expressing emotions. Not to be confused with glossolalia, she has repeatedly stated that her singing comes from the soul.
Ultimately, Runge's inclination to structure chaos and Gerrard's inclination to liberate from structure reflect a sentiment that strongly connects with me. Despite their differences, there is a common thread that unites their philosophies: the process that flows with minimal control, emaniting from a distinct source.
Writing down these reflections gives me a sense of accomplishment and gaining >one< conclusion. The closure of a process is akin to the passing of one era, a layer of continuity. I realised, what initially seemed substantial in my reflections is revealing itself as a tiny fragment. I have to go further to comprehend, discover and to learn more about than the things I've just put into words. But from here and for now, I aim to transition into a state of mental rest to move on. There are only two remaining papers, corresponding to this series.
This paper presents a compelling thesis from February 2023, which both a brilliant friend of mine and I pleasantly discovered we had independently arrived at a very similar idea around the same time.
The Creature (working title) refers to an individual who explores its meaning and connectivity to the unseen from a metaphysical and philosophical (and creative) view. The Creature is visualised as a simple speaker with an antenna and a microphone that is attached to a crane, as shown in a sketch I created.
>>Stay tuned for the brilliant insights of my friend. He has a mastery for describing concepts with profound clarity and depth!
